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ANIMAL RHYMES 




THE FIRST HONEYMOON 



ANIMAL 
RHYMES 



BY 

BURGES JOHNSON 



NEW YORK 

THOMAS Y. CROWELL COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 









Copyright, 1906 and 1917, 
By THOMAS Y. CROWELL COMPANY 



#0 



C'-t) 



SEP 20 1917 

©CU476142 



TO THE 
LLAMAS, VICUNAS, PUMAS, PULGUITAS, TARAN- 
TULAS, TORTILLAS, FRIJOLES, AND OTHER GAME- 
BIRDS OF MEXICO AND BOLIVIA, SO MERCILESSLY 
PURSUED BY A CERTAIN HUNTER, THIS LITTLE 
BOOK WAS SYMPATHETICALLY DEDICATED. SINCE 
IT IS REPORTED THAT MOST OF THEM ESCAPED 
ANY NEED OF SYMPATHY, THIS BOOK'S SECOND 
EDITION IS CHEERFULLY DEDICATED TO THE 
hunter's SECOND EDITION, RANKIN JUNIOR. 



FOREWORD 

The announced aim of this little book on its 
first appearance was rather the instruction of 
Youth than the edification of Age. With that 
intent, all statements which concerned the habits 
of our animal friends were referred to various 
eminent zoological authorities who admitted the 
accuracy of certain facts presented, and their 
ignorance of others. 

The excuse for this second and slightly en- 
larged edition is also in a way educational. The 
increasing attention paid to the natural sciences 
as well as to animal psychology is evident in all 
our higher institutions of learning, and the out- 
put of text-books hardly keeps pace with the de- 
mand. If these few recorded results of earnest 
research can be of service temporarily as a stop- 
gap in the hands of even one of his revered 

7 



FOREWORD 

colleagues the author will feel fully repaid for 
all his effort. 

Grateful acknowledgments are due Messrs. 
Harper & Bros, for permission to use much of 
the material which appears here. 

The Author. 



8 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Foreword 7 

Introduction by Gelett Burgess 11 

Recollections 13 

Concerning the Slowness of the Sloth ... 17 

A Love Match 20 

The Glad Young Chamois ....... 22 

The Apteryx (Beast) . . . . . . . . 23 

A Tale with a Moral 25 

To a Pig 27 

The Plaint of the Anonymous One .... 29 

The Fireside Elephant 31 

The Ostrich 33 

The Gnu Wooing 35 

A Rondeau of Remorse . 38 

Remarks from the Pup 39 

Alack^ a Yak 41 

The Tail of the Kinkaju 43 

The A-ou-dad 45 

The O-k-a-p-i 47 

Ballade to a Large Oyster 49 

The First Honeymoon 51 

Bear Stories 53 

9 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Wood Music 55 

The Wooin' 57 

The Ambitious Crow 58 

The Pelican 60 

In the Circus Dressing-Room 61 

The Owl on Economy 62 

The Cat of Many Lives 63 

In the Horspital 64 

The Porcupine . . . .65 

The Woodchuck 66 

The Rabbit 67 

The Goat 68 

The Elephant vs. The Giraffe 69 

Horse Dreams 70 

The Fox 71 

The Gargoyle 72 

The Flea 74 

A Prehistoric Huntsman 75 

To any Kind-Hearted Archeologist .... 79 



10 



INTRODUCTION 

Said the Kinkajou to the mournful Gnu, 

'^Now, isn't it really sad, 
The way B. J., in his beastly way, 

Has guyed the old A-ou-dad!'' 
And the Gnu replied, as he softly sighed, 

"We must all be guyed, alack 1 
But me for the wilds, when I see this child's 

Epitome of the Yak!" 
And the Oyster said, "It makes me squirm 
When I think of his lines on the Early Worm!" 

— Gelett Burgess. 



11 



RECOLLECTIONS 

In the days of braggart youth (though, as now, 
I spoke the truth) 
Of full appreciation oft I dreamt; 
Now I'm old, my deeds are more than the sands 
upon the shore, 
Yet I've learned to treat my critics with 

contempt, — 
Exempt 
Am T from all emotion save contempt. 

Wild beasts of every sort I have hunted down 
for sport. 
From Vlwostowck to the land of the 
Pooguls ; 
And those I did not kill I have led around at 
will, 
For I have a winning way with animuls 
Which lulls 

The passions of the wildest animuls. 
13 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

As a youth I had a rub with a yellow bob- 
tailed Blub — 
I was hunting in the woods of Whangaree. 
He was ten-foot-seven high, but I smote him 
in the eye, 
Then, not knowing he was dead, went up 

a tree — 
Ah me! 
I was young and ran for refuge up a tree! 

How one's recollections pour through the past's 
half-opened door! 
'Twas about that time I roamed the Rum- 
pic Zone, 
And I fought an angry Swot in a lonely desert 
spot. 
And I skinned him single-handed and 

alone — 
Ochone! 

I have had my greatest triumphs when 
alone I 

14 



RECOLLECTIONS 

Yes, I remember once how I killed a young 

Ger-unce, 
And its parents galloped up with blazing 

breath. 
Though their pinions beat like flails, yet I tied 

their giant tails, 
Then I waited till they pulled themselves 

to death. 
I gueth 
You seldom saw a more exciting death! 

But I spent my proudest day on the shores of 
Doodel Bay; 
There I slew a huge Pohunk, ere I was 
dressed. 
With two Whoopees and a bunch of wild Flop- 
cats before lunch — 
Then I gave the afternoon to needed rest: 
'Twas best 

To leave the smaller game-birds to the rest. 
15 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

But 'twas near that very shore that a million 
(maybe more!) 
Wild cannibals my prowess overcame; 
And upon the Isle of Ghoo I was made into 
a stew: 
'Tis the one disgrace attaching to my name; 
With shame 
I admit this single blemish on my name. 



16 



CONCERNING THE SLOWNESS OF 
THE SLOTH 

My child, how doth 

The gentle Sloth 

Improve each hour where'er he go'th? 

'Tis true that he, 

Unlike the Bee, 

Seeks not for honey ceaselessly. 

He's not inclined 

To slave, I find. 

For others, like the faithful hind; 

Nor as the ant 

To toil and pant — 

He either won't or else he can't. 

Yet there are chaps 
Like him, perhaps. 

Crushed down 'neath heavy handicaps, 
17 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

And 'tis our place 

The facts to face 

And honestly to view his case. 

Where'er he goes, 

He always knows 

He has no full supply of toes; 

That's why he's not 

Inclined to trot, 

Lest he should harm the few he's got 

The very crown 

Of his renown 

Is walking branches upside down. 

It is a ruse 

That don't conduce 

To hurry. Also, what's the use? 

And if you'll look 

In any book 

You'll find him, if I'm not mistook, 
18 



CONCERNING THE SLOWNESS OF THE SLOTH 

Entitled thus: 

Didactylus, 

Or A-i Arctopithtcus. 

That name, I guess. 

You will confess, 

Would render you ambitionless I 

So, goodness knowth, 

That's why I'm loath 

To cast aspersion on the Sloth. 



19 



A LOVE MATCH 

'TWAS at the races that they met; the Jungle 

A. A. U. 
Had opened an athletic field upon the 

Upper Nile. 
Beneath her frank, admiring gaze he strove 

the best he knew, 
And won a two-mile handicap against the 

crocodile. 
It was a contest fine to see! The crowd grew 

boisterous 
And madly shouted, *^Hip, hip, hip, hip, 

Hip-popotamus 1" 

Though Miss Rhinoceros's beaux referred to 
him with scorn, 
'Twas plain she'd eyes for no one else. 
^^That brow! Those manly feet!" 
20 



A LOVE MATCH 

"I'm glad he won!" she cried again, and tooted 

on her horn — 
And so her friend Miss Lioness contrived 

to have them meet. 
"Such graceful embonpoint!'' he sighed, his 

hand upon his heart. 
'Twas clear to all who stood about he loved 

her from the start. 

The Jungle felt no great surprise when soon 
their cards were out. 
The wedding was a fine affair, the sourest 
critics grant; 
Though Dean Giraffe is Higher Church, there's 
very little doubt 
That all were better satisfied with Bishop 
L. E. Phant. 

And now, Jf Heaven send them twins, 'twill 

save a lot of fuss 

To name them Hipporoceros and Rhinopo- 

tamus. 

21 



THE GLAD YOUNG CHAMOIS 

How lightly leaps the youthful chamois 
From rock to rock and never misses! 

I always get all cold and clamois 

When near the edge of precipisses. 

Confronted by some yawning chasm, 

He bleats not for his sire or mamois 

(That is, supposing that he has'm). 

But yawns himself— the bold young lamois! 

He is a thing of ^eauty always; 

And when he dies, a gray old ramois. 
Leaves us his horns to deck our hallways; 

His skin cleans teaspoons, soiled or jamois. 

I shouldn't like to be a chamois. 

However much I am his debtor. 

I hate to run and jump; why, damois, 
'Most any job would suit me bebtorl 
22 



THE APTERYX (BEAST) 

Have you heard of the truly terrible fix 
Of the miscellaneous Apteryx? 
It sits and mourns, in a voice forlorn: 
"Oh, what and why was I ever born?" 
(But an answering word it ne'er has heard) 
"Oh, am I a beast or am I a bird? 
The worst of tricks 'twas thus to mix 
The family tree of the Apteryx! 

"At times, in spite of my wingless state, 
I claim I'm an avis vertebrate; 
And I prove my point on weightiest grounds- 
By laying an egg of several pounds. 
But the birds all say who chance that way, 
Tor a beast, that's a most remarkable lay!' 
And each one kicks when asked to mix 
In a social way with the Apteryx. 

23 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

*'Ah me! What manner of thing am I? 
Though I've hairy hide and I cannot fly, 
When beasts in a cousinly way I greet, 
They spot my bill and my birdlike feet. 

Dear, kind artiste, this time at least 
Beneath my portrait write *A Beast'; 
And if it sticks, and no one kicks. 
You'll earn the love of the Apteryx." 



24 



A TALE WITH A MORAL 

'TWAS a gloomy glade 'mid the lowering shade 

Of a forest dank and dark; 
And every decent creature slept, 
For the gray of dawn had scarcely crept 

O'er the morning sky. But hark! 
Amid the silence there m'ay be heard 
The drowsy chirp of the Early Bird. 

To the ground he flits, where he lightly sits, 
Then hops with a movement gay. 

"Cheep-cheep, te-whit!" and he flaps his wings; 

"Oh, I am the Early Bird," he sings, 
And also "Tu-lu-ra-layl" 

But though he carols it through and through, 

His joyful warble does not ring true! 

Lo, a twig that lies beneath his eyes 
Of a sudden appears to squirm! 
25 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

And there comes from under his very feet 
A faint fine sound that I can't repeat — 

The voice of the Early Worm! 
And the glade is stiller than still can be 
At thought of the coming tragedy. 

*^It is up to me," sobbed the Worm, "to flee, 
Were I not such a sleepy thing!" 

But the Bird was wabbly on his feet; 

"I'm far too drowsy," he sighed, "to eat!" 
And his head fell under his wing. 

And, sweetly mingled, there soon were heard 

The snores of the Worm and the Early Bird. 



26 



TO A PIG 

Bards and sages, through the ages 
(Winning fame instead of wages), 
Have mussed up a million pages 

With their outcries, small and big, 
Singing wrongs that should be righted, 
Causes blighted, heroes slighted — 
Yet no song have they indited 
To the Pig. 

Gentle Porcus, suoid mammal, 

Does the thought that lard and ham'll 

Be your future neve? trammel 

Your fond fancies as you dig? 
Does it harrow to the marrow, 
As you pace your quarters narrow, 
Dreaming of the storied glory 
Of the Pig? 
27 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

For time was, ere man got at you, 
Using squalid means to fat you, 
That you were to be congratu- 

Lated on a figure trig; 
And most daintily you ate your 
Food, less mingled in its nature. 
Fine of face, full fair and graceful 
Was the Pig. 

Oh, S. P. C. A., be gracious; 
If your sympathies be spacious. 
Bar such treatment contumacious — 

Teach that it is infra dig.; 
For although some genius flighty 
Has described the pen as mighty, 
You'll admit a sward were fitter 
For the Pig. 



28 



THE PLAINT OF THE ANONYMOUS 

ONE 

I WANDER vainly o'er the land 

To find one mortal with a chunk 

Of fairness that will bid him stand 
and hear the pleadings of — 

I shrunk 

E'en then from uttering a word 

In drawing-rooms so seldom heard! 

Ah, what avails me beauty, wit, 

Or craft, or, marksmanship, or spunk. 

If friendship fails and scorns to sit 
In sweet communion with — 

IVe drunk 

Some drug, I fear, for now I find 

My very name has slipped my mind I 

I never use my meanest gift 

Unjustified, yet like a monk 
29 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

Through shunned solitudes I drift, 
Unloved, unsought, and named — 

I've sunk 
To such a depth I do not dare 
To breathe the honest name I bear. 

I never win a word of praise 

For all my charms, yet I have thunk 
And thunk and thunk of different ways 

To cleanse the scutcheon of — 

I funk 
Each time I try! Would I could learn 
To face a shame I did not earn! 

If I were called a Bobolink, 

A Rose, or Peewxe, or Pohunk, 

I'd gain a social place, I think. 
That's now forbidden to — 

I've slunk 

So often from the world's neglect, 

I'm losing fast my self-respect! 

30 



THE FIRESIDE ELEPHANT 

Ah me, how frequently I pant 

To be a stately Elephant! 

With skin so thick and strength so great, 

He scorns the puny pricks of fate, 

The while his shoulders well may bear 

A really untold weight of care. 

Ah, were I he, I will aver, 

I'd be a model householder! 

'Tis possible, I grant you, that 

He is not suited to a flat; 

Yet you'll admit at once that he 

Is builded for economy. 

He need not stoop to pick things up; 

He needs no valet, cook, or maid; 
His hand is spoon and fork and cup. 

And e'en a straw for lemonade! 
31 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

And what conveniences are these: 

When days are hot in fourth-floor rears, 
To have a shower-bath when you please 

And sit a-fanning with your ears; 
Or when the days are wintry chill, 

And windows must the air exclude, 
To leave one's nose across the sill 

While folk below prepare their food. 

The Fireside Elephant's a thing 
Worth any bard's imagining! 
For when his spouse prepares to darn, 
His tusks may hold a skein of yarn. 
The while, a cook-book in his nose. 
He rocks the cradle with his toes. 
And trumpets in a manner mild 
To gratify his happy child. 

Where is the man who would not pant 
To be a gentle Elephant? 



32 



THE OSTRICH 

A QUEERER bird has ne'er occurred 
Than is the ostrich, so IVe heard. 

Though women flock from west and east 
To pluck him for their finery, 
He differs much from man, for he 

Don't care for plucking in the least. 
(His hide is thick, his sp^ed is quick. 
And jiminy! how he can kick!) 

His special pride is his inside: 

It's double-lined with Bess'mer hide. 

He has no fear of golden bucks 
Or other dainties of that ilk; 
He laughs at cucumbers and milk — 

O'er pie and Neuburg gayly clucks. 

(There is no strife in his home life 

O'er biscuit builded by his wife.) 

33 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

His motto is, ^^I mind my biz, 
Whatever troubles have ariz." 

When, overcome with shame, he tries 
To shun the glaring public light. 
He thinks he's wholly hid from sight 

If he has merely shut his eyes. 
(That frame of mind you'll often find 
Has currency with humankind.) 



34 



THE GNU WOOING 

There was a lovely lady Gnu 

Who browsed beneath a spreading yew. 

Its stately height was her delight; 
A truly cooling shade it threw. 
Upon it little tendrils grew 
Which gave her gentle joy to chew. 

Yet oft she sighed, a-gazing wide, 
And wished she knew another Gnu 
(Some newer Gnu beneath the yew 
To tell her tiny troubles to). 

She lived the idle moments through, 
And days in dull succession flew, 

Till one fine eve she ceased to grieve — 
A manly stranger met her view. 
He gave a courtly bow or two; 
She coolly looked him through and through: 

"I fear you make some slight mistake — 
35 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

Perhaps it is the yew you knew!" 
(Its branches blew and seemed to coo, 
^^Your cue, new Gnu; it's up to you I") 

Said he: ^^If guests you would eschew, 
I'll say adieu without ado; 

But, let me add, I knew your dad; 
I'm on page two, the Gnus' ^Who's Who.'''^ 
^Torgive," she cried, ^^the snub I threw I 
I feared you were some parvegnul 

'Tis my regret we've never met — ^ 
I knew a Gnu who knew of you." 
(This wasn't true — what's that to you? 
The new Gnu knew; she knew he knew.) 

"Though there are other trees, 'tis true," 
Said she, "if you're attracted to 

The yews I use, and choose to chews 
Their yewy dewy tendrils, dol" 



The end is easily in view: 
He wed her in a week or two. 

36 



THE GNU WOOING 

The "Daily Gnus" did quite enthuse, 
And now, if all I hear is true. 
Beneath that yew the glad day through 
There romps a little gnuey new. 



37 



A RONDEAU OF REMORSE 

Unhappy, I observe the Ass 
Who browses placidly on grass, 

Or bits of wood he will devour, 
While e'en the prickly thistle-flower 
Is spicing for his garden-sass. 

Last night that lovely golden mass 
She called a ^^rarebit" proved but brass; 
And life I gaze at through a sour 
Unhappy eye. 

And as this sleepless night I pass 

I learn that he who has, alas! 

An ass's judgment for his dower 
May lack the beast's digestive power. 

Oh, miseriel All flesh is grass! 
Unhappy I! 



38 



REMARKS FROM THE PUP 

She's taught me that I mustn't bark 
At little noises after dark, 
But just refrain from any fuss 
Until I'm sure they're dangerous. 
This would be easier, I've felt, 
If noises could be seen or smelt. 

She's very w^ise, I have no doubt. 
And plans ahead what she's about; 
Yet after eating, every day. 
She throws her nicest bones away. 
If she were really less obtuse 
She'd bury them for future use. 

But that which makes me doubt the most 
Those higher powers that humans boast 
Is not so much a fault like that. 
Nor yet her fondness for the cat. 
But on our pleasant country strolls 
Her dull indifference to holes! 

39 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

Ah me! what treasures might be found 

In holes that lead to underground! 

However vague or small one is, 

It sends me into ecstasies; 

While she, alas! stands by to scoff, 

Or meanly comes to call me off. 

Oh, if I once had time to spend 
To reach a hole's extremest end, 
I'd grab it fast, without a doubt. 
And promptly pull it inside out; 
Then drag it home with all my power 
To chew on in a leisure hour. 

Of all the mistresses there are. 
Mine is the loveliest by far! 
Fain would I wag myself apart 
If I could thus •reveal my heart. 
But on some things, I must conclude, 
Mine is the saner attitude. 



40 



ALACK, A YAK! 

'Mid pathless deserts I groan and grieve; 
In weariest solitudes I leave 

My track; 
Bemoaning the fate that has christened me, 
In spite of my whiskered dignity, 

A Yak! 

O happy child with the epithet 
Of Abe or Ike or Eliphalet 

Or Jack, 
You little wot of the blush of shame 
That dyes my cheek when I hear the name 

Of Yak I 

Better a bok or a slithy sloe, 

Or a mythical beast in the starry zo- 

Diac, 

A polypod or a pelican, 

An auk or an ichthyosaurus, than 

A Yak! 

41 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

And SO, through the valleys hereabout 
I sob this plea, and the echoes shout 

It back: 
For the sake of art, and my pride as well, 
When you write my name, will you kindly spell 

It Yacque! 



42 



THE TAIL OF THE KINKAJU 

Listen^ my dears, and I'll tell to you 
The tale of the kittenish Kinkaju. 
His feet are four and his fur is fine, 
And his ways are wary and serpentine; 
And he loves to live in a city zoo. 
This tally, mammalian Kinkaju. 

And what, you ask, does the creature do, 

This seemingly fabulous Kinkaju? 

From early dawn until very late 

He does naught else but investigate. 

So the hairs on the end of his nose are few, 

This peerysome, querysome Kinkaju. 

If you gently grasp (and with firmness, too) 
The nethermost tip of the Kinkaju, 
He bends in supple abandon and 
He climbs his tail till he gains your hand; 
Then, if kindly disposed, he winks at you — 
This sinuous, grinuous Kinkaju. 

43 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

But if perchance any harm you do 

To this highly sensitive Kinkaju — 

As if, in a foolishly flippant mood, 

You should lift him up and remove his food — 

Beware^ for he's powerfully prone to chew! 

This kleptophobian Kinkaju. 

Oh, far and fair is the land that grew 
This gentle attenuate Kinkaju! 
And while he's nothing averse to roam, 
'Tis seldom his tail is so far from home. 
And so in a verse I reveal to you 
The ways of the versytale Kinkaju. 



44 



THE A-OU-DAD 

The A-ou-dad with his curving horns 

Is a beautiful sight to see, 
And deep in his noble heart he scorns 

The sin of inconstancy. 
He sits in the lee of the Gee-gaw tree 

(Avoiding a tropic tan) 
And eats its fruits — ^while the Whang-bird hoots ; 

And w^hen he has formed a plan 
There's not an obstacle, good or bad, 
That can stay the w^ay of the A-ou-dad. 

When the fruit hangs high he does not pass by 

Or moan in a mood forlorn, 
But he leaps to a limb within reach of him 

And hangs by a crescent horn. 
Nor does he dismay if the horn give way 

(As indeed it has often done), 
45 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

But 'neath the tree he remains till he 

Has sprouted another one. 
'Tis said persistency is a fad 
With the acrobatical A-ou-dad. 

'Twere wise, my dear, with a mind sincere 

To study your household pets; 
For each has ways to evoke your praise. 

And many a hint one gets 
From the able ant, or the cormorant, 

Or the mouse with its frugal bent; 
And if youVe a cat you may learn of that 

The virtue of sweet content. 
But, oh, I am sorry you never had 
An active African A-ou-dad! 



46 



THE O-K-A-P-I 

London, May 20. — Captain Gosling, of the Alexander-Gosling 
expedition in Africa, writes that Captain Alexander has secured 
a living specimen of the okapi. 

This is th% first time a white man has ever seen a living 
okapi. The first skin of that animal ever seen in Europe was 
sent to the British Museum by Sir Harry Johnston in 1901. — 
Daily Newspaper. 

Through Afric's hidden heart I roam 
In regions seldom trod by man; 

My rainbow hues light up the gloam 
As far as mortal eyes might scan. 

No wonder science sighed to see 

A living, breathing Okapi I 

My face is yellow-white, rriy pate 

Is chestnut, while my sides and feet 

Are mottled; and I beg to state 
I am not good for men to eat. 

O'er swamp and desert, dry or sloppy. 

Unhindered roves the rare Okapi. 

47 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

The puny horse must feel forlorn — 

The proud giraffe, oh, where is he? 

Poohl pooh! thou fabled unicorn — 

My neck is thick, my horns are three. 

E'en man seems humbled since his eye 

Has viewed the glorious Okapi. 

'Tis but a subtle mark of fame 
And tribute to exclusive ways, 

That poets can't pronounce my name 
When sounding paeans in my praise. 

Yet none the less it makes them happy 

To sing the newly gained Okapi. 



48 



BALLADE TO A LARGE OYSTER 

Wrapped in calm quiescentness, 
Lying limp upon my plate, 
Lo, the frowning fork of Fate 

Hangs a moment motionless! 

Tell me of your former state: 

Did some vandal kitchen-wight 

Dare with oyster-knife to smite 

This wee house and scar your cheek? 

What a tale you would recite, 

Oyster, if you could but speak I 

Ere you fell in this duress, 

Did you cling, a potentate — 
Silent, solemn, mcrustate — 

To some deep-sea rockiness? 

Did the snails and mussels prate 

Of your deeds in armor dight — 

49 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

How you nobly put to flight 

Lobster foes? Say, would you shriek 
Kingly curses on your plight, 

Oyster, if you could but speak? 

May a clumsy mammal guess 

How you wooed and won your mate? 

Or does oyster maid await, 
In her grot, your fond caress? 

Had you vices of the great. 
Roistering, mayhap, at night? 
Shell-fish? 'Tis a monarch's right! 

Did you join the actor clique — 
Was some star-fish your delight? 

Oyster, if you could but speak! 

Waiter, pass the salt; you might 
Add tabasco's pungent bite, 

This horseradish is so wxak. 



Ere you slip from mortal sight, 

Oyster, if you could but speak! 
50 



THE FIRST HONEYMOON 

When the Little Bear came to the Solar Zone, 

A good many years ago, 
The Great Bear was sitting there all alone 
Sipping his milk and gnawing a bone 

And growling the livelong day; 
And things were gloomy as they could be 
Up there in the stellar menagerie. 

The Little Bear stood on her graceful tail 

And spun round the Polar Star: 
The old Rainmaker he dropped his pail, 
And the Bull and the Goat and the floppety 
Whale 
Came hurrymg from afar; 
And every one laughed and said, "Dear me 
That's the funniest sight I ever see!" 

51 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

The Dog Star barked till it disagreed 
With his various works within, 

But the Great Bear thought, as he stopped his 
feed, 

^^That's just the sort of a wife I need 
To polish the dipper-tin, 

And keep things jolly and bright at home 

For a chap who hasnH a chance to roam." 

They went to be married that very day, 

. And Saturn he gave the ring. 
And honey flowed in the Milky Way, 
And the Man in the Moon he bid them stay 

A week in his airy swing. 
For days and days they would sit and spoon — 
And that was the earliest honeymoon. 



52 



BEAR STORIES 

At the mystic height of a starry night, 

In the heart of a stilly wood, 
'Mid the rustling sheaves of the fallen leaves 

A gaunt old bruin stood. 
And his locks were gray as a winter day 

And covered him like a hood. 

All seated round on the grassy ground 

Were the little forest folk. 
And their ears were keyed, as they drank with 
greed 

Each husky word he spoke. 
And if he ceased, nor bird nor beast 

The weighty stillness broke. 

^Xo, I am the bear — the monster rare — 

That the summer-boarders see; 
53 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

I prowl about when the moon is out, 
Where strolling couples be, 

And I'm yearly paid to be sore afraid 
When the young man shouts at me. 

^^Lo, I am the beast that's slain at least 
Three hundred times a year; 

And my corpse is lost, at fearful cost. 
O'er precipices sheer, 

With nary a hoof or hide in proof 
Of the huntsman's bold career. 

^^Yes, I am the last of my ancient caste 
In all of these hills and dells; 

At my little jokes on the city folks 
Each hunter's bosom swells, 

And I draw my pay in a regular way 
From the men who run hotels." 



54 



WOOD MUSIC 

The new woods, the dew woods, — ' 

Dim aisles that waken soon 
To paeans of thanksgiving 

For dawn-light and the boon 
Of warmth and very living, — 

'Tis the music of the woods in June. 
The jewelled sheens outrival 

The day God's world began; 
Each tiny thing is singing. 
Its gentle heart outflinging, — 
The June woods, unhewn woods, 

The very home of Pan. 

The lush woods, the thrush woods; 

The senses well might swoon, 
For sound and sight and smelling 

All spell a song triune 
That's madly gladly swelling, — 

'Tis the music of the woods in June. 
55 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

But o'er the songs full-throated, 
And humming insects' throng, 

There's still another singing, — 

A magic rhythm swinging, — 

The June woods, the noon woods, 
Where lurks a hidden song. 

The gray woods, the fey woods, 

When drowsy voices croon; 
Then hark! the silence breaking. 

Above the frog's bassoon, — 
'Tis Pan's own merrymaking, 

'Tis the music of the woods in June! 
We may not see the players. 

Nor learn their faerie tune, 
Save tiny tempting snatches, 
And lilting, luring catches; — 
The June woods, the moon woods. 

The witching woods in June. 



56 



THE WOOIN' 

Come live with me and be my Bruin. 

And I will be your Bunny! 
I've waited long to welcome you in 
A hollow log there's room for two in, 
Where I have carrots stored for chewin', 

With locusts and wild honey. 
Fair creature! My poor heart's undoin'! 
Pray do not keep me ever suin', — 

Through rainy days and sunny! 
Refuse, and leave my life a ruin! 
Accept, and I'll be up and doin' — 
Ah, come with me and be my Bruin, 

And I will be your Bunny. 



57 



THE AMBITIOUS CROW 

A Crow who had chanced by a school one day 

And listened a bit too long, 
Unburdened his soul to an oriole 

Who advertised lessons in song; 
"They say," he stormed, "that the lark is king. 
And all because he assumes to singT' 

The oriole called for an E in alt, 
Then hastily cried, "Pray pause! 

For singing, in short, is not your forte, — 
'Tis easy to tell the caws. 

Your obvious bent '11 be instrumental; 

My little bill will be incidental." 

She started him in with a violin, 

And oft his ambition stirred 
By a little praise in the well-known phrase, 

"You certainly are a bird!" 
In a month she said, with a fine decision, 
There never was music equal to his'n. 

58 



THE AMBITIOUS CROW 

The crow contentedly paid the bill, 
And flew on his homeward way; 

And he called the court to his pine resort; 
They gathered and heard him play, 

With timbre rare, a popular air, 

And a bit of Grieg and "The Maiden's Prayer." 

The hullabaloo ere he'd gotten through 

Was a truly deafening thing; 
"Oh, what is the sense of instruments," 

They cried, "if one can but sing? 
And every one knows the song of a crow's 
The best of music as music goes!" 

They broke the fiddle in bits, to teach 
The moral each child should know: 

That discontent with one^s lot is not 
Becoming a decent crow; 

And if you would thwart its growth, you ought 

To mingle only with your own sort. 



59 



THE PELICAN 

*^My dear/' remarked the Pelican, "you really 

don't suppose 
I'll wait all night while you attempt to powder 

up that nose?" 
Said she, "The time is wisely spent which goes 

to beautify 
That feature of your better-half which soonest 

meets the eye.'' 

MORAL 

Some folk their features prominent in humble 

phrase contemn; 
The wise pursue a different tack and make the 

most of them. 



60 



IN THE CIRCUS DRESSING-ROOM 

The lion and the hippo were both dressing in 

a rush. 
"Wish I was you/' the lion said, "and had no 

hair to brush!'' 
"You think your hair is bothersome," the hippo 

said; "Oh, bosh! 
It's nothing to the care I have with all this 

face to wash!" 

MORAL 
Oh, little boys that hate to brush you hair and 

wash your faces. 
How would you like it if you were in these 

poor creatures' places? 
But if, when washing time comes round, you 

always make a fuss. 
You'll turn into a lion or a hippopotamus. 



61 



THE OWL ON ECONOMY 

^'Alas, dear sir, observe my plight," the crow 
in anguish cried; 

'^And all because I sought and found a frugal- 
minded bride. 

She wouldn't purchase camphor-balls because 
of what they cost, 

And now observe this winter coat, — my dignity 
is lostr 

MORAL 

"This constant cry, ^Economy,' " the owl said, 

"makes me wroth; 
It does no good to any one, except, of course, 

the moth." 



62 



THE CAT OF MANY LIVES 

^^Maria dear,'' cried Thomas, ^^my heart is tried 

and true; 
If you will but accept my suit I'll live my life 

for you." 
"One life with you," she answered him, "would 

be a pleasant fate. 
But tell me, pray, what ladies fair will share 

the other eight?" 

MORAL 
My son, when you are bluffing for a jack-pot 

that you prize, 
'Twill spoil your game if you withhold a stack 

of any size. 



63 



IN THE HORSPITAL 

"Say, Doc, is it true, as a matter of course, 
With a colt in my head that I'm sure to get 

hoarse?" 
And the doctor replied with a comforting pat, 
"It costs three dollars to ass me that.'* 

MORAL 
Don't thrust any jokes on your doctor until 
He's got all his services down in the bill. 



64 



THE PORCUPINE 

The Porcupine once sought a shop to get some 

Sunday clothes; 
"I like this coat," said he, "so far as cut and 

pattern goes. 
Permit me now to try it on." The salesman 

looked him o'er, — 
"Folks ain't allowed to try on clothes until 

they're settled for." 

MORAL 

My son, if some fair maid demure your eye has 

lit upon. 
Don't lend her your affections just for her to 

try them on. 
For if she be a certain sort, 'tis oft the case, 

alack, 
They're not in good condition when you come 

to get them back. 
65 



THE WOODCHUCK 

^Thank goodness," gasped Miss Woodchuck, 

as she drew a shaking breath, — 
'^Since I saw Miss Hippopotamus I've worried 

half to death 
For fear she was approaching to return a call 

of mine, 
And would count upon my urging her to drop 

in here to dine!" 

MORAL 

''Let this warning," said her neighbor, "sink 

deep beneath your fur, — 
Be careful of the social obligations you incur I" 



66 



THE RABBIT 

Miss Rabbit had a suitor, and each day he used 
to send her 

Some rare and lovely orchids from a most ex- 
pensive vendor; 

And as she daily nibbled them with bites re- 
strained and chaste, 

She murmured, "Beets are better; dear old 
Jack has such poor taste!" 

MORAL 
And the moral to be gained is, though your 

^ passion be extensive. 
Some maids don't rate their suitors by the gifts 

that are expensive. 
Don't squander cabbage roses on some damsel 

fortunate whose 
Tastes may lean to cabbages and early rose 
potatoes. 



67 



THE GOAT 

"Here's a senseless kind of cook-book," said 
Miss Goat; "since I began, 

"I've found no slightest mention of the succu- 
lent tin can!" 

MORAL 
If you want to write a cook-book, or a tome of 

any kind 
To satisfy all critics, — you must bear the goats 

in mind. 



68 



THE ELEPHANT vs. THE GIRAFFE 

On the deadly field of honor they had grimly 

planned to meet; 
Apologies were hopeless and arrangements 

were complete. 
'^But wait!" the elephant cried out (he never 

spoke again), 
"For every single shot you take I should be 

given ten!" 

MORAL 

^Twas mentioned at the funeral that folks 

should bear in mind 
To formulate all clawses before a contract's 

signed. 



69 



HORSE DREAMS 

"Ah, Mrs. Dobbin," cried her spouse, ^^IVe 

dreamt a dream to-day! 
I thought we were in heaven where the streets 

are paved with hay. 
Bewildered earthly drivers ran afoot about the 

town, 
While we, in dashing motor-cars, sped round 

and ran them down!" 

MORAL 

Sure, Heaven is a varied place with many joys 

therein, 
For every sinner pictures it in terms of his pet 

sin. 



70 



THE FOX 

Said the Fox, "By this maxim my heart has 

been won — 
*To bed with the chickens and up with the sun. 
If one thus becomes a more virtuous beast, 
I'll start in by doing the first part, at least.'' 

MORAL 
Beware when a rascal, with villainies rife, 
Seems anxious to start on a regular life. 



71 



THE GARGOYLE 

The Gargoyle is a haughty beast, — 
In fine exclusiveness he perches 

Upon cathedrals, or at least 
On churches. 

Or in a modern land like this is, 

He'll stoop to public edifices. 

E'en when you meet him all a-grin 

He's not the handsomest of creatures; 

There is a lack of team-work in 
His features. 

Yet when his countenance is sadder. 

Results are just as bad — or badder. 

You scarcely would expect to find. 
In searching any lands or waters, 

Another beast who hadn't hind- 
-Er quarters; 

72 



THE GARGOYLE 

The Gargoyle claims it's not refined 
To have a pair of legs behind. 

So, clinging with his forward hoofs 

(Of dizzy heights he's quite unf earing), 

He peers o'er edges of the roofs 
With sneering, 

And never sleeps and never eats, 

But spits at people in the streets. 

Oh, little boys who stand or sit 

Upon some lofty edge, — I wonder 

Do you resist a -wish to spit 

On anything that's passing under? 

Unless repentently you own up, 

You'll be a Gargoyle when you're grown up! 



73 



THE FLEA 

The flea 
Is wee, 

But Mercy me! — 
It's just as big 
As it can be. 
If bigness was 
As bigness does, 
'Twould be as big 
As — Dear me suzl 



74 



A PREHISTORIC HUNTSMAN 

See the home of Father Ab, 

Reared before our eyes at last, 

As our artist with a dab 

Draws the curtain from the past, 

Painting here upon these pages 

Scenes from paleolithic ages. 

Bab, the good wife, sits and croons 
While she sees their babe at play. 

On these quiet afternoons 
Enemies seem far away. 

Gab, their little boy, has gone 

To feed an infant mastodon. 

Brightly dawns a hunting-day; 

There is little food in store. 
Ab is girded for the fray — 

He must shoot a dinosaur; 
75 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

Or, because it is his duty, 
Bag a few small gyascuti. 

Boys and girls of nowadays 

Puzzle oft — I do the same — 

O'er the prehistoric ways 

Stone-men had of hunting game; 

For it seems their poorest prizes 

Always came in extra sizes. 

See, his burly club he bears, 

Built to wield some weighty knocks; 
Also note that forth he fares 

With an ancient music-box; 
In his pouch a pair of clippers, 
And some worsted bedroom slippers. 

So he goes upon his way, 

Till he comes with stealthy pace. 
At the middle of the day 

To the dino's drinking-place — 
76 



A PREHISTORIC HUNTSMAN 

Plants his music-box close nigh, 
Fixed to play a lullaby. 

Now with sound of crashing trees, 
Comes the mammoth dinosaur; 

Stretches out to take his ease — 
He had fed an hour before. 

Soon the music's mystic numbers 

Lull him into deepest slumbers. 

Then brave Ab, a trifle pale, 

Puts his slippers on with care; 

Climbs upon the creature's tail — 
Stops to rest a moment there. 

He must creep an hour at least 

Up the backbone of the beast. 

Finally upon its nose. 

Whence its snores come smoking hot, 
See him clip the fur that grows 

On its only vital spot; 
17 



ANIMAL RHYMES 

Swing his club with war-cry horrid 
Smash against that mighty forehead! 

Hail the hero, cutting steaks — 

He will have them smoked and dried. 
Bab will cry, "My goodness' sakes! 

Do you want some boiled or fried?" 
And (old hieroglyphics state it) 
For a year or two they ate it. 



78 



TO ANY KIND-HEARTED 
ARCHEOLOGIST 

I DREAMT I was a prehistoric lad, 

A-playing with my brother in the sun, 

When a jovial gyascutus 

With some friends that didn't suit us 

Came upon us ere we'd time enough to run. 

I tried the very hardest that I could 

To dream a place to which a man might 
flee, 
But my data's not specific 
On those ages pleolithic. 

And the best that I could dream of was 
a tree, 

O let me know as quickly as you may. 

The resources of those prehistoric men, 
Such as gyascutus-quellers. 
Caves or towers or cyclone cellars. 

For I want 'em when I have that dream 
again 1 

79 



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